1. Be Still – Ex. 14:13 Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the LORD will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still.
   • Being Still confronts your predetermined paradigm.
   • Being Still initially increases your anxiety and fear.
   • Being Still reveals the deliverance of the LORD.
2. Honor the Relationship - Joshua 3:5 Joshua told the people, “Consecrate yourselves, for tomorrow the LORD will do amazing things among you.”
   • Your Emotional Reactions Tell on You!
   • Others’ reactions inform you of who they are.
   • Commitment to the Relationship is the key to Success.
3. Do Justice – Joshua 5:9 Then the LORD said to Joshua, “Today I have rolled away the reproach of Egypt from you.” Joshua 6:18 But keep away from the devoted things, so that you will not bring about your own destruction by taking any of them.
   • Distinguish between What is Yours and What is Another’s and Return What Is Not Yours!
   • Another’s reactions come from their assumptions and expectations about what “should” or “shouldn’t” occur.
   • Leaving another’s reactions with them leads to Justice.

Communication

4. Ask, Seek, and Knock – Matthew 7:7 Ask and it will be given to you, seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.
   • Ask for More Information or Forgiveness of Your Judgment.
   • Seek to Understand your partner in View of God’s Mercy.
   • Knock on the Door of Connection.

External Process

5. Receive Freely – Matthew 10:8b Freely you have received, freely give.
   • Humility makes room for receiving from others.
   • Personal Authority enables you to receive.
   • Gratitude provides the initiative to give freely.
6. Hold as a Gift - Romans 14:20 Do not destroy the work of God for the sake of food.
   • Leave room for the Relationship to Grow.
   • “Presence” is Becoming in You.
   • The Best Gift you Give is You.
7. Give Liberally – Luke 6:38 Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap.
   • Trust develops when you give liberally.
   • Your security is in God to sustain you.
   • Giving brings you to the next level of growth.

Let me illustrate this.  In your Upside down Relationship World, anything you do or say, can and will be used against you.  If you are quiet, your partner will ask, “Why are you mad at me?”  If you are kind and thoughtful, your partner will ask, “What do you want from me?”  If you are mean and hateful, your partner will think, “You don’t love me.”  Therefore, you can go to the right and that’s “wrong.”  You can go the left and that’s “wrong.” You can even do nothing and that’s “wrong.”  I’m suggesting, the first Stage in the Seven Stages to Relationship Success is to Be Still. 

What is Being Still?  Being Still is about being in touch with the world around you: connected, yet separate from it.  It is a framework for encountering life.  Being Still is not really a stage  as much as it is a state of mind or a way of life.  As you start your day and go through your day, Be Still.  Before, during and after everything you do, Be Still. 

Being Still is about listening with your whole self.  It is about having your brain cells, your thoughts, being in your mind instead of trying to think your partner’s thoughts, using his or her brain cells and being “out of your mind.”  Actually, being still is listening to God and being open to His mind, thoughts, brain cells.  Being still is waiting for Him to reveal Himself to  you and being prepared to respond in childlike trust.

Janet Jackson is famous for her wardrobe malfunction during the halftime performance with Justin Timberlake. The networks decided to telecast future shows with a time delayed broadcast to avoid repeating similar embarrassing displays.  The halftime show appears live, but the network is actually monitoring what is broadcast into homes across the country.  This illustrates Being Still.  

The Networks observe the halftime show, tape delay the presentation, filter inappropriate material and broadcast the show “as if” it is live.  In similar ways, Being Still, you listen, observe and take in the world using a “time delayed” response that appears live to everyone else, but filters what you present to others. 

Your “camera” is focused on your circumstances, experiences and other people. But, Being Still, you display the Character of God in your responses to others.  The time delay allows you to listen and broadcast different reactions from the “naked” reactions you might have otherwise.  Your relationship with God through Christ gives you the option you would not otherwise have to respond differently.

Being Still helps you think before you speak, act or react to others based on a completely different frame of reference.  This frame of reference is not yourself or another person.  It is based on the Character of God in you being lived out as you through you because of your relationship with God.  Christ is living His life in, through and as you to the world around you.

Imagine being free to respond to your partner with humor, laughter, playfulness or teasing even when he or she is not in a good mood.  Can you imagine being free of the fear that you might say the wrong thing, disappoint your partner or anger your mate, yet still be yourself with him or her?  This intimacy is possible because Being Still to listen and display the character of God is possible in a relationship with Him. 

Emotionally Being Still can be characterized as being inquisitive, not knowing, humble, one-down, curious, and open to the world around you. It is not weakness as much as it is being open, vulnerable and conscious to the Character of God expressed in and through you.

Being Still opens the door to honoring your relationship with your partner, so that respect and love can go hand in hand.

Example:  A woman complained that her husband came in from work and tossed his loose change on the kitchen table.  She’d asked him several times to place his pocket change on his desk in the office.  Yet, he continued to toss his quarters, nickels and dimes on the table.  This frustrated her as she was preparing dinner and she felt that he was not respecting her efforts at getting dinner prepared and on the kitchen table for the family.

Encouraging her to Be Still, and consider a response that would be imaginative and playful, yet make her point.  She realized she could look at the problem from a wider lens.  She realized he was putting his pocket change in his bowl, i.e. the kitchen table.  Therefore, she decided to set dinner on the kitchen floor and apologize for attempting to have dinner in his bowl.  She said she set the kitchen floor one time with dishes, silverware and glasses. 

Everyone was intrigued by this new arrangement.  She explained she had made a terrible mistake by eating out of her husband’s bowl and that they would eat from their new table (the floor).  The kids laughed and thought she was being funny.  Her husband suggested that he might use the bowl in the office for his change and that he was willing to give up his old change bowl if she would be willing to use it as a kitchen table.   Being Still allowed an imaginative, creative response to an otherwise difficult situation. Being Still allows the Character of God to flow through you as if it is you!

John asked, “Why would she do something like  that?   I would never do that.”   Martha said, ”I just don’t understand. How can he do this to me when I’ve  done so much for him?”  Sandy …”I  just can’t trust him.  I don’t deserve to go through this. I would  never have done this to him.”

One theme runs through these statements.  I would not, have not, could not do this  thing that has been done to me.   This statement assumes you are the reference point for decision-making.  You are the standard for judging others  behavior.  In other words, your way is the way!  NOT!

Are you the center of the universe?  Is your way the way for everybody else on the  planet to function?  I once met a woman  who said, “If everybody was just like me, the world would be  perfect.”   She was serious!  I almost fell  out of my chair.   She was saying that if  everybody was as selfless as she, the world would be a perfect.  Is her statement selfless or selfish?

To determine if you are the Center of the Universe,  ask yourself, “What’s not about me?”  Is  EVERYTHING about you?  How can you honor  another if everything is about you?  You  can’t.  A wife accused her husband, “It’s  all about you.”   He defended himself  until one day he countered with, “And it’s all about you too.”  They both have it half right.  It’s all about them until they awaken to the  fact that it’s not about them at all.   It’s all about Christ in them.

Honoring your Partner recognizes you are not the  point of reference for decision-making.   Neither is the person you are with.   Neither are the two of you together the point of reference.  The one whose frame of reference counts is  The Center of the Universe!  The Partner  you honor first is God.  You are part of  Another’s world and as you line up with this Center you honor this  Partner.   As you honor this Partner, you  will honor each other.  This frees you to  be open, honest, and direct disagreeing with your spouse and completely  accepting him or her at the same time.

Can you disagree with your partner and completely  accept him or her?  On a one to ten  (1-10) scale of acceptance, how high on that scale can you go when you disagree  with your partner?  Are you able to  disagree without becoming angry, hurt, disappointed or even enraged?  Can you disagree and accept your partner  especially when it affects you?

Relationship success occurs as you are able to  completely accept your partner even when you disagree with him or her.  In fact, at your wedding you vowed to accept  your partner for better or worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or  poorer, etc  But how do you accept your  partner even when you disagree without feeling threatened? Your security must  not be in the other person.  When you  consider that Christ faced the greatest adversity in life … death on a cross …  and continued to accept you for you, taking on your failures and sin to restore  you in right standing before God, you then and only then will understand how  it’s all about Him.

Making yourself available to this character in  every choice, thought and action helps you live on a vertical plane instead of  on a horizontal plane bouncing from complying, conforming or compromising to  defying, rebellion and resentment.

Being still and honoring God as God liberates you  from the dependence that causes your raw emotional reactions when you disagree  with your partner builds His character in you.    Honoring your Partner your dependence weakens on others weakens and your  relationship with God strengthens.

Example:

John’s relationship with Sue was formatted by  sex.  John’s thoughts, feelings and  attitudes were determined by whether tonight would be the night.  Sue’s respect for John waned as she came to  believe she captured him sexually.  He  could point to several reasons she “should” want to be with him.  The more he tried to convince her to spend  time with him, the more she resisted.    He didn’t know what to do.

Sue’s determination that John spend time with their  son paralleled John’s focus on sex.   Everything Sue did was focused on John spending time with him.  Her words designed to encourage, discouraged  John.  His love for Sue waned, as he  believed she cared more about their son than him.  They were equally frustrated by each  other.

John, wanted to honor Sue, but didn’t know  how.  Being still and listening to the  character of God in him, he took their son to a football game. He took him  bowling.  He took him  roller-skating.  He took more initiative  than Sue could have imagined, not because of her but because he came to  understand this was his way of loving their son even when he wanted to indulge  himself.

He saw the ugliness of his demands as the parallel  to her demands.  He released her from his  frame of reference and did “what was his to do before God.”  Not in his timing or in his way, Sue  responded to him sexually.  She neither  resented it nor begrudged giving herself to him because she admired his ability  to accept her even when he disagreed with her.   She respected John for being the man he was in Christ.  So how do you accept another when you  disagree?  You start by giving back what  is not yours!  You Do Justice!

In relationships the lines or boundaries between people blur the closer they get to each other.  Therefore, discerning between what is yours and what is another’s requires being still and honoring your partner.   These characteristics build to help you determine what is yours and what is another’s in a variety of areas.

Martha claimed, ”Mark never listens to me.”  I asked her, “What do you mean?”  “He never does what I tell him to do.”  Her definition of listen does not take into account Mark’s choices. 

Samantha knew she was always right.  She made good decisions and thought of her relationship with Randy as “her relationship.”  Describing a family trip to others she spoke of what they did in terms of what she planned and how she had events unfold.  Everyone in the family functioned as the supporting cast in the movie of her mind.  Of course Samantha was the star of the show!

Rusty often told Joan she was a liar.  Joan couldn’t understand why Rusty would think she was attempting to deceive him.  She came to realize that Rusty thought he had the ultimate truth and that anything she said that disagreed with him was a lie.  He often told her what she thought and felt. 

Jean protected Michael.  She ran him down and belittled him when they were alone, but in front of others she was fiercely protective of him.  He didn’t need to be protected as much as she needed to protect him.  Jean need to protect him was really her need to protect herself as she assumed responsibility for him.

Each example illustrates how one person has taken what is not his or hers.  Discerning what is yours from another’s establishes boundaries between people.   

Fairness
“That’s not fair.”  How often do you hear that phrase?  Fairness has two sides.  One is what you owe (obligation) and the other is what you deserve (Entitlement).  The problem with fairness is that your idea of what is fair and your partner’s idea of what is fair are completely different.  These will never be the same because you are two completely different people and will never see the world the same way.  Fairness assumes that by virtue of my giving, you owe me and I deserve from you.  Fairness operates from a uniformity perspective with both people constantly trying to walk in lock step rather than unity allowing for differences within your togetherness. 

Justice
Making choices that account for, acknowledge and respect another while remaining connected characterizes justice.  This ability to regulate oneself in close proximity to another is an indication of maturity.  The possibility of being self-conscious without being self-absorbed, aware without being arrogant and connected without being invasive allows trust to develop in a relationship.

Justice recognizes that both persons have already taken what is not theirs and are to give it back.  Unlike fairness, in which one person’s gain is at the expense of the other, justice recognizes that returning what does not belong to you enriches both persons in different ways.  While the goal of fairness is to get all you can from the other person based on how much you can give, the goal of justice is to be trustworthy even when it means you give away what you have come to believe is yours. 

Fairness begins by assuming the need to do “for” another in order to establish a connection while justice recognizes connection has already occurred and growth requires giving away what you thought was yours.  The vitality, vibrancy and energy in a successful relationship is in the trust that each person will only possess what is his or hers and be able to distinguish between fairness and justice.  

Being still, honoring my partner and doing justice sounds good, but how do I get what I want in this relationship?  You Ask, Seek and Knock:  Stage Four!

Jenny said the reason she didn’t ask for what she  needed or wanted is because she didn’t want to put another person in the  position of having to tell her no.  She  also confessed that she resented others asking her to do things because she had  been so careful not to put them in that position.  Sound familiar?  She expected others not to ask her because  she refrained from asking.  Center of the  Universe?  Yep!

Jenny found herself increasingly cut off from  others refusing to engage at a personal level and anticipating their requests  of her.  She was easily frustrated that  others apparently didn’t participate in her rules of interaction.  She was on the short end of the stick every  time.

To ask, seek and knock you must be vulnerable to  the dreaded two letter word, “No.”  The  pain of hearing no as an answer can be powerful especially when you have been  saying “Yes” to avoid telling others “No.”   The unfairness of it all catches up with you.

The guilt/anger cycle is a cycle of interaction in  which a person says “yes” even when he or she wants to say “no.”  Initially, you can pat yourself on the back  for being on the selfless side of selfish.   But over committing to tasks and responsibilities leaves you feeling  exhausted and angry with yourself for not being able to say “No.”  To say “no” you feel guilty and selfish, so  you say “Yes” but feel angry that you can’t say “no.”  As a result you are caught between Yes and No  or Anger and Guilt…thus the Guilt/Anger Cycle.

Is there a way to break the Guilt/Anger Cycle?  Yes there is.    Can you guess at the process?

Being Still, Honoring Your Partner, Doing Justice  sets the stage for Asking, Seeking and Knocking.  Instead of only having two options Yes or No,  You actually have a third option. Emerging from between Yes and No is Christ in  you!  Rather than only having selfish or  selfless, you have the possibility of being a free of the bondage of the  guilt/anger cycle.  You are free to say,  Yes or No for completely different reasons.   Yes, you can still say “Yes” and feel angry or “No” and feel guilty, but  you can also say Yes or No because you are functioning from a grater purpose  and relationship than your relationship with your partner.

Asking, seeking and knocking is enabled by a  personal relationship with Christ that frees you of fear. As you are set free  from within, you free others to make requests of you and you can make requests  of them.  In most relationships, one  person in the relationship is able to readily ask for what he or she wants and  needs, while the other person is more inhibited.  Which are you?

The person who asks is no healthier than the person  who does not ask.  Their dependence on  another is just more obvious.  The person  who doesn’t ask is as dependent, but they are likely protecting themselves from  being told “No.”  Both are equally  dependent, just in different ways.   Telling the person who readily asks, “No” you will discover how  emotionally reactive he or she is!

To ask, seek and knock as an expression of your  relationship with Christ, “No” as an answer is o.k.   This emerging relationship comes from the character  of God in you.  As you trust is in your  relationship with Christ, you are freed to ask for what you need and hear “No”  as an answer because ultimately, your trust is in Him rather than your partner.

Example:

Jan wanted to be assertive.  She’d been to assertiveness training and  continued to struggle.  Recognizing  herself in the guilt/anger cycle, she began being still, honoring her partner  and giving back the reactions of others (doing justice).  Thinking about doing what is hers to do before  God, she was able to tell her daughter’s school “no” to being the fund raising  coordinator for the third year in a row.   She was even able to tell the church “no” to being a greeter on Sunday  morning.

Jan was also able to ask for what she needed.  She told her husband to pick his dishes up  after the football game and to clean his mess up in the living room.  He grumbled, but did it.  She was so proud of herself.    Her resentment, isolation and frustration with  others was turning into responsibility for herself.   Jan  was no longer captured by her fears of what others would think of her.  She freed others to tell her “no” even as she  had the courage to tell them “no.”

So how do you receive what another gives back to you without feeling  hurt or angry?  You learn to give freely  and receive freely: Stage five!

Peter and Paul are two first century church leaders whose relationship vividly illustrates this concept.  Paul confronted Peter at Cornelius’ house over what appeared to be a small difference between the men.  But it was really at the heart of the New Testament message.  Do you receive freely or fairly?

Peter and Paul were both Jews.  They both believed that trusting Jesus as the Messiah was all that was necessary for salvation.  While Peter was visiting Paul and others at Cornelius’ house the Jewish traditions necessary to be in right standing before God were not practiced.  But when others from Jerusalem joined them, Peter began acting differently. Peter’s behavior suggested that Christ’s life, death, burial and resurrection plus Jewish ceremonial practices were necessary for salvation. Paul confronted Peter for not acting “in line with the gospel.”  

The issue is central to Christianity.  Is salvation a gift freely given and freely received or is salvation earned through Jewish ceremonial practices? If it is in any way earned, then you must be good enough and measure up to those standards of purity and holiness that Jesus fulfilled.   The choice is clear.  Receive freely or receive fairly.

You either take the elevator that is Jesus’ life, death, burial and resurrection allowing him to bring you to right standing before a Holy God or you take the stairs and try to climb them through your own efforts at being good enough and measuring up to the standards of a Holy God.   The dividing line of successful relationships is in trusting in the purity and holiness of Christ or in your ability to be good enough and measure up to the standards of a Holy God.

Receiving freely or fairly takes on significance in relationships as the choice is a cross road for other concepts.  Receiving freely leads to cooperation between two different people remaining connected, yet separate.  Receiving fairly leads to compromising oneself to keep the relationship together…which leads to its demise.  Receiving freely fosters unity allowing for differences in your togetherness, while receiving fairly requires uniformity or both people attempting to look like the other.    Receiving freely results in responsibility, gratitude and humility, while receiving fairly results in obligation, resentment and entitlement.

In relationships, is life a gift?  Is your partner a gift?  Is what you encounter in life a gift or opportunity to grow?  Are you able to receive the gift in the same spirit it is given:  freely? 

Receiving freely or fairly goes to the heart of another central question.  Are you acceptable? What makes you acceptable?  Are you acceptable because of what you do or because of who you are? 

A man said his wife repeatedly asked him, “Why do you love me?”  He knew she wanted to hear something like because of your beautiful hair or sultry lips.  He answered her, “Because of me.”  His acceptance of her was because of him.  His love for her was not something she could qualify for nor be disqualified from.  He loved her because of him.

Can you qualify yourself in your partner’s life?  Can you be good enough to be accepted or are you accepted for you?  Does disagreement mean you are not accepted?  Are you accepted because you always agree with your partner?  Your answers to these questions will help you know if you have received freely or fairly.

Being still, honoring your partner, doing justice and asking, seeking, knocking is based on receiving freely.   If you are busy trying to hold it all together, earning your place in another’s life you can’t be still.  When you have done so much to measure up and be good enough and your partner does not appreciate all you have done, how can you honor your partner?  When you take everything personally and its all about you how can you do justice?  Finally, afraid of being told “no” one more time, avoiding the disappointment how can you ask, seek and knock?  But, if you have received freely from the One who gives freely, you can be still listening to Him.  You can honor your partner because you are free to.  You can do justice giving back what is not yours and assuming what is yours and finally, you can ask, seek and knock because “no” is no big deal.

That Jesus went to the cross is an indication of how much value (worth) we have. 
That he would have to go to the cross is an indication of how unworthy we are.

Receiving freely empowers you to give freely.  How do you keep from slipping back into the old patterns of fairness?  By moving on to Stage Six: Hold as a Gift!

Children receive immunizations from disease that once crippled thousands.  A dormant strain of the pathogen or virus causes antibodies to fight the pathogen from within.  When the virus attacks the inoculated body, these antibodies create a protective shield preventing it from entering the body and causing disease or even death.

The same process occurs when you hold life, others, yourself and your relationships as a gift.  By receiving freely, you have the very character of God forming within you, so that when accusation, blame or temptation comes your way, emotional and spiritual antibodies create a seal- protecting you from the need to defend yourself.  Holding life, your partner and relationships as a gift, you are free of control, manipulation and having to orchestrate or engineer circumstances or people. 

 You are not the “Center of the Universe;” you have the “Center of the Universe” within you!  Interestingly, as the “Center of the Universe:” everything is about you.  When you are not the Center, but have the “Center of the Universe” in you, living through you as you, nothing is about you.  In fact, Jesus said, “Whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it.”  Matthew 16:25

Jim thought that everything he did was “for” his wife.  He was busy “saving his life.”  He did so much around the house that his wife encouraged him to go out with friends and do things “for” himself.  This would give her some relief from the guilt she felt because she was not as attentive to him as he was to her.  Hearing “go do something for yourself “ was hard for Jim.   He began investing himself in a local charity.  Losing his life for Christ's sake, he found his wife had a new interest in him.  He didn't let her interest take him off track.  His efforts at saving his life resulted in losing it (go do something for you).  Volunteering at the charity (losing his life for Christ's sake) resulted in the life he most wanted with his wife.

Holding life as a gift, you do not presume upon your partner.  The gift is given to you and can be taken from you.  It is a gift.  Instead of owning your life, you manage the life that is given to you.  You are responsible for managing your life and relationships.  Your part is to manage what is there, not form it into your image of what it should look like.   So how do two people resolve their differences when both are going through this process and they come to an impasse?  I'm glad you asked.

In the first century, they had these same questions.  It was just over different issues.  Their big issue back then was whether or not, you are allowed to eat meat that had been offered to an idol or not.  Apparently, eating meat offered as a sacrifice to an idol was considered unclean or contaminated, and early church patrons didn't know what to do.  Some people said, you can't eat meat offered to an idol while others said it was fine to eat the meat. 

Today’s issues are still about food, sex, money and power.  Not much has changed over the years.  Wisdom prevails in Romans chapter 14.  Paul, the apostle, says in verse 20, “don't destroy the work of God for the sake of food.”  In other words, he said all food is clean, but if your brother thinks the meat is contaminated; don't eat the meat thus destroying the work of God in his life.  He says all things are permissible, but not all things are beneficial.  Value your brother and the work of God in his life more than food or sex or money etc…  Care more about your brother than eating that big 14 oz rib eye.  

The same can be said today.  As you hold life as a gift, don't allow anything to be more important than the work of God in your partner's life.  Hold everything as a gift.  

Example:  If your spouse wants to have sex tonight and you don't want to have sex, what do you do?  According to Romans 14, sex needs to be less important than the work of God in your partner's life.  Valuing your partner more than having sex or not having sex, both would be willing to do what the other wants.  Insisting on having sex or not having sex disregards the work of God in your partner’s life.   Can you say “Center of the Universe?”

Being willing to honor your partner, hold life as a gift and do justice, you put your demands for sex or not having sex away and lose your life for Christ's sake.  It could go either way.  How unique would a relationship be for the person who is interested in sex to value his or her partner more than sex itself?  Wow!  Can you say, “Center of the Universe” living in you, through you, as you.  Wow what a gift!  What a turn on!  

Did you catch the last part of that verse.  “For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.”  In psychology this is called parallel process.  A husband may resent his wife for not taking initiative sexually, while his wife will resent him saying, “You don’t have a romantic bone in your body.”  Their resentment runs parallel.    A Husband may anticipate his wife’s mood and avoid the potential conflict, while she is busy reading his mind thinking he just does not care.  A wife’s anger with her husband for “letting himself go” will parallel his anger that she spends too much money.   A husband’s denial will parallel his wife’s inability to see different perspectives.  With the measure
you use, it will be measured to you.”  Parallel process.  What is your parallel process?

Now let’s talk about giving and trust.  How much of yourself do you give?  Husband if you want your wife to place herself in the most vulnerable physical position known to mankind,  you must place yourself in a vulnerable position emotionally.  Talk to her about you and listen to her about her.  

What measure do you use?  If your measure is based on what you get and your partner’s measure is what he or she gets from you, will-conflict between you will result.  For example, have you ever come home from work and been asked, “how was your day?”  You say you had a hard day.  Your partner says, “Let me tell you about a hard day!”  It’s as if the one who has the harder day wins.    When your measure for giving is what you get from your partner you will increasingly give less and receive less in return.

Giving because you are free to give is completely different from giving to see what you may get in return.   In other words, giving as an act of adventure is different from giving to secure yourself or your relationship.  So, is your “measure” designed to free you to risk more or designed to secure your interests.  Does your giving promote risk or safety?

Gary Chapman suggests couples have five love languages: (1) Acts of Service, (2) Quality Time, (3) Words of Affirmation, (4) Gifts and (5) Physical Touch.  Typically, you give your love language to your partner who has a different love language and he or she does not feel loved at all. 

For example, a man who wants physical touch will hug his wife thinking she is feeling loved.  NOT!  Her love language is acts of service.  She feels loved when he does something kind and thoughtful for her.  On the other hand, she is constantly doing kind and thoughtful acts of service for him.  He thinks, “don’t bother, I can do that for myself.  I need a hug.”

Giving your love language is clearly designed to secure your interests, while giving your partner’s love language can be giving as an act of serving your partner.  The vitality and vibrancy of a relationship is in the ability of two people to give of themselves completely while remaining separate.   Vitality and vibrancy is lost as two people insist on self-protection and safety.  The more two people honestly risk hurt, disappointment and anger the adventure of an unfolding relationship emerges. 

This qualitatively different kind of giving requires each person to be secure beyond themselves in order to risk the relationship.   As both people rely on the character of God being lived out of them, security develops within them.  Confidence in the character of God allows you to give more from a spirit of adventure than a spirit of fairness, timidity or safety.

Example:  One afternoon I was preparing to teach a class when I remembered an experience I had four years prior. 

I was sitting in a relative’s living room as he told me how he had come to make a large sum of money.  He was proud of his accomplishment and was telling me about his success when all of a sudden and without warning, I began to feel greed and envy well up inside.  I was happy for him, but envious all at the same time.  I wanted what he had.  Telling me his story exposed the greed and envy within me.

As I recalled the feelings and thoughts associated with this experience, I was impressed to tell this about myself in the class.  Initially, I was quite reluctant and rejected the thought.  I began to rationalize that these people didn’t need to hear about my greed and envy.  I thought, this story isn’t relevant to the content in the class.  Then it occurred to me there was a more significant reason for telling the story than the story itself. 

I realized that to give them the story because of them was not giving freely toward adventure.  To give them myself in telling the story because of the character of God in my life would be THE reason to tell the story.  Cooperating with God, I shared this story with the group that evening.  Only after humbling myself to this different kind of giving did I know the adequacy and character of God in my life. 

Considering this experience, I asked myself, if I had given myself to the class and word got back to me that I was greedy and envious and that I could not be trusted, how would I react?  How would this affect me?  I would have felt unjustly accused because I gave myself away to the group in an effort at helping them and they used this to hurt me.  Giving to secure my life, I would determine never to expose myself this way again.

What response I would have had if giving myself by telling this story with a different motivation to know the sufficiency and character of God, word got back to me that I was greedy and envious and that I could not be trusted, how would I react?  Would I feel unjustly accused or would I accept that this is part of the process of giving?  Having a different motive in giving myself, the group can use what I have given them in whatever way they choose.  My Sustainer continues to do His work in my life regardless of what the group does with the information.

Can you see the difference?  Can you give differently?  Give Liberally.  Give unreservedly to know power of God in your life far beyond your partner.  Giving freely and liberally is freeing and liberating.