Do people change? Defining the word “change” is in order. Change can be thought of in several different ways.
First, people certainly develop. A child develops into a teenager and eventually an adult. While this happens physically, it may not occur emotionally, socially, spiritually or mentally. We all know people who are big teenagers at heart and have never stopped defying authority as the primary characteristic of their lives. Equally problematic is the person who is so dependent on others that they trade too much of themselves away to keep the peace and eventually come to resent others. Complying and defying are two emotionally driven approaches people use that ultimately don't work in relationships. Finding another approach to successful relationships is part of the maturing process.
Second, people have the capacity to regulate themselves. Addiction is the opposite of self-regulation. Yet, addiction is an escape from the exhaustion of doing “for” everyone else and the result of not knowing how to regulate oneself in relationship to other people. Telling yourself “No” is self-regulation, but the question is, How do you tell others “No” when it means you think of yourself as selfish? Maintaining self-regulation and humility, especially in the face of adversity, is the challenge most of us face as we attempt to have relationships with others.
Third, change can be first order or second order change. First order change can be thought of as a thermostat set at 70 degrees fluctuating between 69 and 71 degrees. This is one form of change. When the indicator is moved from 60 to 72 this is second order change. Experiencing “life changing” events can foster second order change.
Change, occurs in relationships with another person. It does not occur in a vacuum. So Yes, people change developmentally, as they regulate themselves and as they find themselves in relationship with others. But change occurs from inside out. Individual counseling expands your perspective limited by anxiety and fear to help you experience the differences between fear and love, being absorbed in another and caring, or mistrust and trust.