One definition of Justice is discerning between what is yours and what is mine and giving it back.  This definition assumes you have taken what is not yours and made it yours.  Recognizing you possess what is not yours, you give it back to the rightful owner.  You also receive what you have not thought was yours from your partner when it is given back to you.

In relationships the lines or boundaries between people blur the closer they get to each other.  Therefore, discerning between what is yours and what is another’s requires being still and honoring your partner.   These characteristics build to help you determine what is yours and what is another’s in a variety of areas.

Martha claimed, ”Mark never listens to me.”  I asked her, “What do you mean?”  “He never does what I tell him to do.”  Her definition of listen does not take into account Mark’s choices. 

Samantha knew she was always right.  She made good decisions and thought of her relationship with Randy as “her relationship.”  Describing a family trip to others she spoke of what they did in terms of what she planned and how she had events unfold.  Everyone in the family functioned as the supporting cast in the movie of her mind.  Of course Samantha was the star of the show!

Rusty often told Joan she was a liar.  Joan couldn’t understand why Rusty would think she was attempting to deceive him.  She came to realize that Rusty thought he had the ultimate truth and that anything she said that disagreed with him was a lie.  He often told her what she thought and felt. 

Jean protected Michael.  She ran him down and belittled him when they were alone, but in front of others she was fiercely protective of him.  He didn’t need to be protected as much as she needed to protect him.  Jean need to protect him was really her need to protect herself as she assumed responsibility for him.

Each example illustrates how one person has taken what is not his or hers.  Discerning what is yours from another’s establishes boundaries between people.   

Fairness
“That’s not fair.”  How often do you hear that phrase?  Fairness has two sides.  One is what you owe (obligation) and the other is what you deserve (Entitlement).  The problem with fairness is that your idea of what is fair and your partner’s idea of what is fair are completely different.  These will never be the same because you are two completely different people and will never see the world the same way.  Fairness assumes that by virtue of my giving, you owe me and I deserve from you.  Fairness operates from a uniformity perspective with both people constantly trying to walk in lock step rather than unity allowing for differences within your togetherness. 

Justice
Making choices that account for, acknowledge and respect another while remaining connected characterizes justice.  This ability to regulate oneself in close proximity to another is an indication of maturity.  The possibility of being self-conscious without being self-absorbed, aware without being arrogant and connected without being invasive allows trust to develop in a relationship.

Justice recognizes that both persons have already taken what is not theirs and are to give it back.  Unlike fairness, in which one person’s gain is at the expense of the other, justice recognizes that returning what does not belong to you enriches both persons in different ways.  While the goal of fairness is to get all you can from the other person based on how much you can give, the goal of justice is to be trustworthy even when it means you give away what you have come to believe is yours. 

Fairness begins by assuming the need to do “for” another in order to establish a connection while justice recognizes connection has already occurred and growth requires giving away what you thought was yours.  The vitality, vibrancy and energy in a successful relationship is in the trust that each person will only possess what is his or hers and be able to distinguish between fairness and justice.  

Being still, honoring my partner and doing justice sounds good, but how do I get what I want in this relationship?  You Ask, Seek and Knock:  Stage Four!