Being Still, Honoring Your Partner and Doing  Justice begin internally as you think differently.  Stage four transitions from thinking to  doing.  It takes courage to ask, seek and  knock.

Jenny said the reason she didn’t ask for what she  needed or wanted is because she didn’t want to put another person in the  position of having to tell her no.  She  also confessed that she resented others asking her to do things because she had  been so careful not to put them in that position.  Sound familiar?  She expected others not to ask her because  she refrained from asking.  Center of the  Universe?  Yep!

Jenny found herself increasingly cut off from  others refusing to engage at a personal level and anticipating their requests  of her.  She was easily frustrated that  others apparently didn’t participate in her rules of interaction.  She was on the short end of the stick every  time.

To ask, seek and knock you must be vulnerable to  the dreaded two letter word, “No.”  The  pain of hearing no as an answer can be powerful especially when you have been  saying “Yes” to avoid telling others “No.”   The unfairness of it all catches up with you.

The guilt/anger cycle is a cycle of interaction in  which a person says “yes” even when he or she wants to say “no.”  Initially, you can pat yourself on the back  for being on the selfless side of selfish.   But over committing to tasks and responsibilities leaves you feeling  exhausted and angry with yourself for not being able to say “No.”  To say “no” you feel guilty and selfish, so  you say “Yes” but feel angry that you can’t say “no.”  As a result you are caught between Yes and No  or Anger and Guilt…thus the Guilt/Anger Cycle.

Is there a way to break the Guilt/Anger Cycle?  Yes there is.    Can you guess at the process?

Being Still, Honoring Your Partner, Doing Justice  sets the stage for Asking, Seeking and Knocking.  Instead of only having two options Yes or No,  You actually have a third option. Emerging from between Yes and No is Christ in  you!  Rather than only having selfish or  selfless, you have the possibility of being a free of the bondage of the  guilt/anger cycle.  You are free to say,  Yes or No for completely different reasons.   Yes, you can still say “Yes” and feel angry or “No” and feel guilty, but  you can also say Yes or No because you are functioning from a grater purpose  and relationship than your relationship with your partner.

Asking, seeking and knocking is enabled by a  personal relationship with Christ that frees you of fear. As you are set free  from within, you free others to make requests of you and you can make requests  of them.  In most relationships, one  person in the relationship is able to readily ask for what he or she wants and  needs, while the other person is more inhibited.  Which are you?

The person who asks is no healthier than the person  who does not ask.  Their dependence on  another is just more obvious.  The person  who doesn’t ask is as dependent, but they are likely protecting themselves from  being told “No.”  Both are equally  dependent, just in different ways.   Telling the person who readily asks, “No” you will discover how  emotionally reactive he or she is!

To ask, seek and knock as an expression of your  relationship with Christ, “No” as an answer is o.k.   This emerging relationship comes from the character  of God in you.  As you trust is in your  relationship with Christ, you are freed to ask for what you need and hear “No”  as an answer because ultimately, your trust is in Him rather than your partner.

Example:

Jan wanted to be assertive.  She’d been to assertiveness training and  continued to struggle.  Recognizing  herself in the guilt/anger cycle, she began being still, honoring her partner  and giving back the reactions of others (doing justice).  Thinking about doing what is hers to do before  God, she was able to tell her daughter’s school “no” to being the fund raising  coordinator for the third year in a row.   She was even able to tell the church “no” to being a greeter on Sunday  morning.

Jan was also able to ask for what she needed.  She told her husband to pick his dishes up  after the football game and to clean his mess up in the living room.  He grumbled, but did it.  She was so proud of herself.    Her resentment, isolation and frustration with  others was turning into responsibility for herself.   Jan  was no longer captured by her fears of what others would think of her.  She freed others to tell her “no” even as she  had the courage to tell them “no.”

So how do you receive what another gives back to you without feeling  hurt or angry?  You learn to give freely  and receive freely: Stage five!