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Exclusively Couples Counseling

Uniformity or Unity

An Illustration

How you approach relationships determines their success or failure. I often use the rug in my office to illustrate this point. The rug is multicolored and rectangular in shape. Let’s suppose that all the threads woven in one direction are yours and all the threads woven at a right angle are your partners.  You are one hundred percent responsible for all your threads in your relationship and your partner is completely responsible for all the threads that run his or her direction. This illustrates a one-hundred/one-hundred relationship.  Both people are completely responsible for themselves and for maintaining the connection with their partner for the rug or relationship to function adequately.  The strength of a relationship is in acknowledging and promoting each other’s differences rather than insisting that the other person’s threads run in your direction.  

The direction of the threads is only one component of the rug.  The backing holds the threads together.  What backs your relationship? Couples attempt to back their relationship with common interests, attractiveness, money, sex, friends, religious beliefs, or values.  While these are useful and helpful, they are not the backing that will hold your relationship together when life rubs you to the point of being “thread bare.”  You might suggest trust; honesty, character, and perseverance make the best backing for a relationship. These result from the backing you need to hold a relationship together, but they are not the backing itself.  

What holds a relationship together is your commitment to know your partner for their sake and be known by your partner for your sake. This knowing and being known deepens a relationship and fosters an emotional and spiritual intimacy that makes sexual intimacy out of this world.

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